Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
