my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
