i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
We named our party play list daddy issues
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Randomize
