Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
