we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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