"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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