they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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