I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Floor bacon is actually really good
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
