im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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