If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
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