I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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