This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
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