After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
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