So gin and wine won't be happening again
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
