I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
