Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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