I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
