I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
