You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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