Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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