Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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