so explain again why im purple
no
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
