Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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