pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
