i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
