I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
