I don't usually arrange sex via text message
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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