I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize