allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize