thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
