Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Randomize
