It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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