smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Randomize
