Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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