Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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