i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
fuck your aforementioned shoe
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize
