Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Randomize
