apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
