The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize