trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
