Please, let me fuck your mom
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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