I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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