i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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