I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
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