he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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