Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
