piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
someone threw a dead crab at me
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
