No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
