I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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