my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
