wrigley field is MILF paradise
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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