this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
