my phone needs a breathalizer
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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