Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
