dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
