At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Your cock deserves a montage
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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